Fear

The fear isn’t that I can’t complete my weight loss journey. The fear lies in completing that journey only to find myself struggling to stay at the weight I want to be at. The fear lies in someone falling in love with a skinnier version of me…and then leaving if I ever gain back the weight.

I have been thinking a lot about my body recently. I don’t hate working out. I don’t hate the idea of eating healthier. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard, but I know I have the power within me through my support system and my God to lose the weight I need to lose. But something holds me back. Some people have told me that I don’t want it enough. I don’t think that’s true. I absolutely want it.

The hardest part for me is what my health does to my family and let’s face it my friends. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my sisters, brothers, parents, friends worry about what I’m doing to myself. They worry that I could die of a heart attack or eat myself into oblivion. I hate that I make them worry. I want so much to feel good when we take family photos. I want people to look at me and see that I look like the rest of my family (as far as my body goes). But something is holding me back.

Something…

I’m not sure what…

Maybe it’s the fact that I have to do this alone….

Not alone in the sense of supporters, but alone in the sense that very few people I know have to lose weight. I am on a journey that only certain people can understand. I get pumped up motivated and go strong for a while, but then it stops. What is it.

So I’m asking for prayer. I’m praying for self-control and discipline. I’m praying for a feeling of being alive and not struggling under the physical weight I bear. I’m praying to be able to ease the fears those closest to me hold dear. I’m 26 years old and had one boyfriend. I’ve wanted to get married since I was very young, but because of how I look…I’m overlooked. I am stared at for all of the wrong reasons. So I’m praying that I will figure out what it is that keeps me where I’m at. I’m done with excuses. Something needs to change. And I’m hoping it will very soon.