I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart....

Today I realized that I am happier than I have ever been since coming home from Africa in 2007. It’s as if I’ve been waiting for a confirmation about my future…well, maybe I’ve always had the confirmation, but my faith has wavered a few times in the past couple of years and that has led to doubt and dare I say it, unbelief. Not unbelief in God. I have always believed in the love of Christ. I’ve just stumbled in my walk with Him. I’ve allowed my own issues to cloud what He had been doing in my life.

I continually wished for God to get me back to Africa. I prayed that he would hear the wrenching cry of my heart and bless me with another opportunity. I thought about Africa every day. It made me so incredibly frustrated when I felt like I was getting no answer. Little did I know that God was answering my prayer…but not in the ways I understood.

I went into therapy to deal with issues of abandonment, anger, fear of failure, overeating, rejection, guilt, and shame. I had struggled with most of these for many years, but only decided to really give therapy a try when my baby sister suggested I talk with her therapist. I reluctantly went in and told Rachel that I didn’t really want to be there. I was only there as a favor to my sister. Rachel said she understood and then we began to talk. Or should I say I began to talk. Rachel encouraged me and interjected when needed, but mostly allowed me to get some things out. 50 minutes felt like 5 and the session was over. After that I began to realize just how important it was to really focus on my emotional issues. I needed to be able to vent and discuss things with someone who wasn’t directly involved in my situations. Rachel and I have had a therapeutic relationship for about three years now and it is amazing for me to see the changes within.

While I still have issues with my health and still have a lot to talk through, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m beginning to see that I’m not alone in this and that God has been holding my hand every step of the way. I am much more emotionally stable than I have ever been. I am able to recognize triggers and deal with them in a healthy way. I feel that I am now emotionally ready to deal with the physical stuff. And this is where Africa re-entered my life.

I got the distinct feeling that I needed to start looking for a mission’s trip in September of this year. A friend of mine had worked for and raved about Visiting Orphans. I went to their website to check it out and before I knew it I was emailing them for information. I was signed up for the trip a few short days later. It was an exhilarating, but weird feeling. Was this really happening?

The day I was scheduled to leave to meet up with team in DC, I had a slight panic attack. I all of a sudden realized I was going to be meeting up with 23 other people who had never really seen me before. My body image issues sky rocketed and I basically cried the entire way to the airport. What if the way I look shifted the way they thought of me? I always hate being the big girl. It is an awkward thing when flying. I’m worried I’m taking up too much space. I’m worried I’m going to get weird looks. It is just a hard thing for me sometimes. My parents prayed for me and hugged me before I decided to walk into the Tampa airport. They both told me it was ok to walk away from the trip if I felt like that’s what God wanted me to do. I wanted to see it through, but had to hold back tears the entire flight to Cincinnati. My next flight was from Cincinnati to DC and my anxiety hadn’t reduced. I sat down in my seat and did what I normally do: Made myself as small as possible by basically hugging my own body. I probably looked ridiculous. The woman sitting next to me looked over and said, “Hey, would you mind if we put this arm rest up? Would that be more comfortable for you?” I could have cried right there. That was such a sweet gesture. I gladly accepted and thanked her. She couldn’t have been more gracious. Then a guy sat down across the aisle from me. He looked at my shirt and asked if I was Claire (I was wearing the shirt Visiting Orphans had given us). I told him that I was Claire and he and I began to talk. Slowly but surely whatever had triggered my anxiety started to release it’s grip on me. I began to settle down. Gene was an incredibly nice father of two and made me feel so incredibly comfortable. This is how it was with every single person on the team. They were sweet and loving and pretty much some of the most amazing people I have ever met. The trip was a total success. I really feel like I will stay in touch with my amazing new friends. They are worth getting to know. They are worth every minute I get to spend with them. Each and every one has incredible stories and only God could know how much they all truly blessed me.

God knew this trip was right. He knew that I would see Him move in every step that I took. He knew that as I returned home I would spend time in prayer. In that half an hour, God told me to “Be Still and Know that I have Plans for you here. Just wait for me. Wait for my timing.” I have never felt such a peace in my entire life. I know that God will bring me back to Africa, but in the meantime, I want to follow His plan for me with no hesitation. As Francis Chan demonstrated, I want to stop clinging to my balance beam. I want to stand up and walk with confidence knowing that God is going to be there when I stumble. Where He Goes, I’ll Go. If that means doing what I can to support others on their journeys to Africa, then so be it. God is going to use me and it may not always be in the way I expect. And I am ready for whatever He throws at me.

Check out Francis Chan’s Balance Beam Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_uwWPE6lQ