In Awe

I am sitting on the porch with an absolutely amazing view of the mountains veiled with fog. There is a blue hue across the whole sky and it is absolutely peaceful. The last few weeks have been super stressful for me. Sitting here right now makes me feel like I can finally breathe again. I can finally feel the stress lifting from my body and I am grateful for it (even if will only last for a short time). Thank you, God for this morning.
I am in complete awe of your creativity. The earth has so many elements to it and each one was specifically designed by you. I forget sometimes to thank you for the wonderful things you have done in my life. I spend more time wondering why you aren’t doing things in my life when in reality, you are doing SO much in my life. This is the first year in a long time I have been able to tell myself I am beautiful. With the help of Rachel and with your love I have slowly been able to see myself the way you see me. You look past the heavy Claire most people judge. You look into my heart and see me for who I am. You forgive me when I make mistakes…this is another thing I struggle greatly with. I make mistakes and slam myself for it, but you take me back each time. I know this is going to sound like a “duh” statement, but you love me no matter what. I have to remind myself of that. You love me when I am angry with you. You love me even when I hurt you. Your love is unconditional and you will never reject me or turn away from me. What an amazing father you are.

Sleepless Nights

After a wonderful time at the mall with one of my favorite people, I arrived home and could not sleep. I cleaned my room. I made my bed. I finally sat in my bed on the left side with the other side still perfectly made. I felt a feeling I hadn't felt in a very long time...deep loneliness and sadness. Now I know that I am still young and it seems ridiculous to be wasting time with feelings like these, but there is always the small part of me that wishes I had that significant other. I know God has someone in mind for me...or at least I hope He does...but sometimes it's hard when I am surrounded by people who are either married, engaged, and in relationships. While I am incredibly happy for them, I feel this slow chipping at my soul wondering when will it be my turn. I am to the point in my life where I truly like who I am. I like me. I like what I stand for. I am working on liking the physical me as well. I knew that before I wanted to be with somebody, I wanted to make sure I loved who I am. I'm going to be 25 this year and I have only dated one guy. I just feel like I'm behind. Like I'm missing something. Maybe not...I just know I did not get any sleep last night because that empty feeling wouldn't leave.

I Adore You

I Adore You
Jesus Culture

Mercy falls from Your heart down on me

Glory streams from Your face so lovely 

A million words could not describe

How marvelous Your perfect light



I adore You 

I will sing it with all my heart

I adore You


I love everything You are



That my heart, beats to the rhythm of Your heart

That my eyes focus on Your beautiful eyes

A million tongues could not express

How beautiful Your holiness



My life is yours and will be forever


My love is yours 


Adore [uh-dawr, uh-dohr]

verb (used with object)

1. to regard with the utmost esteem, love, and respect; honor

2. to pay divine honor to; worship: to adore god.

3. To like or admire very much

verb (used without object)

4. to worship

Utmost [uht-most]

1. of the greatest or highest degree, quantity, or the like; greatest

2. being at the farthest point or extremity; farthest

When I heard this song the other day, it made me remember how I feel about God. The word adore is defined above in several different ways. The very first definition really sticks out to me. Combine that with the definition of utmost and the song title would read this way: I regard you with the highest degree of esteem, love, and respect. Isn’t that perfect? I have always said I loved God, but the word adore takes it one step farther. The truth is, there is no one I love/adore more than God so it is the perfect definition.

Sometimes I don’t say know how to put into words what I feel about God. It seems impossible to give him the description he deserves. He is this all powerful, loving, wise being who cares deeply for his children. He is worth our adoration. And if we think about, God adores his children. I have heard several times that God can’t love his children anymore than he already does. His adoration is at its largest capacity and it won’t diminish. That is pretty incredible to think about.

God deserves to be regarded with the utmost esteem…the utmost love…and the utmost respect. And I find myself guilty of not giving him the utmost all of the time.

I Asked You For Life

I Asked You For Life

(Kim Walker)

October 12, 2010

I asked You for life, and You sent your son to die for me.


I asked You for hope, You came in the night and gave me a dream.


I asked You for freedom, You broke every chain and gave me the keys.


I asked You for love never-ending and every day You surround me!



And now my faith in You is a mountain that can't be shaken,


Now my strength is found in You, It is joy that can't be taken!



Praise spills from my lips, flowing onto the feet of You, my King.


You deserve all the love and all the honor that I can bring!



Here is my song, here is my heart, here is my love, all for You, Jesus!



Holy, Holy, only You are worthy!


Sometimes I forget how much I ask of God, but more importantly I forget how often He has given me what I ask (in some way or another).

When I was in college the first time, I had a bit of a mental/nervous breakdown and in that time I asked God for vision. I asked Him to show me what my next steps should be. That prayer led me to living in Africa for almost a year, which was the single most important time in my entire life.

When I came home from Africa (a bit defeated with the way things had gone towards the end), I asked for wisdom as to where I should head next. That led me to working with some of the most amazing teenagers I have ever met for almost three years.

As this last year of youth group came to an end, I felt that God was pulling me away from the one place I felt truly comfortable in my church. Before I let myself panic, I realized that I had tentatively planned a road trip for that summer. I began to realize that I could really do the road trip and use the drive time and distance from home to truly examine and reorganize my life.

I left in June and by the time I was officially back home towards the end of August, I knew the next step I needed to take. While it was a really hard decision due to the fact that these kids were (AND STILL VERY MUCH ARE) a huge part of my life. I love each of them as I do my own siblings and I couldn’t fathom walking away from them. But God had another plan for me. I stepped down not only from youth ministry, but from ministry in general and am currently allowing myself just to be.

Before I left on the road trip this summer, I was ready to be done with everything. With school, with church, and dare I say it, with God. I had been hurt by several people very close to me and felt that the church (as a whole) was somewhat of a hypocrisy. As awesome as God is, I lost so much of my passion while trying to defend my character and convince people I was not self destructing. I went into the summer with a very small opening for God to work with, but as the days passed I began to feel more and more connected with him. I began to pray that He would allow me to just be myself and not feel like I needed to put on a show. I asked him to show me a peace I had not felt for an incredibly long time. He showed me that allowing myself to come to church without a single string attached was exactly what I needed.

God keeps giving. And now I realize that God is asking me for something as well. He is asking for all of me. Not just little bits and pieces. He wants me and loves me and actively pursues me on a consistent basis. I’ve always heard that women want to be pursued by men. While I have never had that in a romantic girlfriend/boyfriend sort of way, I am seeing that I have that with God. It is so thrilling to know how much He cares about me. God wants me. Not my masks. Not my fronts. Not the image others expect. He wants Me: JUST AS I AM.

“Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house.The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” Psalm 45:10-11

I long to honor Him. God is all I want. He is all I’ll ever NEED. “MY FAITH IN HIM IS A MOUNTAIN THAT CAN NOT BE SHAKEN; A JOY THAT CANNOT BE TAKEN!!!!” Not let it be this for the rest of my days.

I need you more!

I Need You More
Bethel Live (feat Kim Walker Smith)
Here is Love CD

October 9, 2010

I Need You More
More than Yesterday
I Need you More
More than Words Can Say
I Need you More
Than Ever Before
I Need you, Lord
I need you, Lord

More than the Air I Breathe
More than the Song I Sing
More than the next heartbeat
More than anything

And Lord as Time Goes by
I’ll be by your side
Because I Never want to go back to my old life

One thing that always strikes me is the fact that God could not love me any more. No matter what I do, HE COULD NOT LOVE ME MORE. Isn’t that incredible? I listened to this song and it just made me realize that I could not Need Him any more than I already do. It just seemed like an interesting comparison. God loves me unconditionally and I need him unconditionally. There is absolutely nothing that could change that.
My godmother recently described how the song Breathe reminds her that she cannot imagine existence without the presence of God in her life. She said she cannot imagine even trying to breathe without His hand guiding her. Then I heard this song again and it just made me remember how much I NEED Him.
There is a huge difference between what we Need and what we Want. I Want to get married someday. I want to have Children. I want to go back to Africa. I want to lose the weight that has burdened me for so many years. I want to have the largest DVD collection in the world…(just kidding J)…but as I think about these things, I finally grasp that if none of what I want happens….it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because I have the only thing I will ever NEED. I have a relationship with a God who knows my heart. I have purpose in Him no matter what I think sometimes. So here it is:

God: You know my heart and you know my desires, but if what I want is not part of your plan for me, then take it. Because I am yours and I know that as long as I am walking with you I am going to have the best life I could ever ask for.

Say, Say

Say, Say
by Kristian Stanfill
Passion: Awakening CD

October 8, 2010

Say Say

Some Hope in what their eyes can see.
We hope in the glorious Unseen.
In a risen and returning King

Some are chasing the treasures of this world.
We run to a glorious reward:
The only name worth living for.

Say Say: Say you believe it.
Sing for the whole world to hear it.
We know and we declare it, Jesus is King.
Say, Say: Say you believe it.
Sing Loud, Sing like you mean it.
We know and we declare it, Jesus is King
Say, Say

We set our hearts on will last
Your word, your love, your faithfulness
Our hope is built on nothing less.

We open wide our mouths to praise
Let this generation raise
A song of freedom all our days

Say I believe (I believe)
Your Kingdom Come (Your Kingdom Come)
The Son of God (Son of God)
The King of Love

As I listen to this song it makes me want to jump up and down for God. It has such a powerful message in it and it brings back a level of excitement and passion for God I feel I have slowly lost over the years. It reminds me of a story Mike Yaconelli told about his grandsom seeing snow for the first time. His grandson wasn’t quite sure what to make of it, but allowed himself to enjoy it with no inhibitions. He fell backwards into the snow without a second thought. His eyes were filled with awe and wonder. How often do our eyes fill with awe and wonder when we think about God? For me it used to happen on a more regular basis, but as the years have passed and that inner child in me has been neglected, I don’t think about the absolute awe and wonder of the God I serve as often.

I visited Grainger Community Church in Indiana a two weeks ago and they sang this song. I had never heard it before, but it brought back my “childlike” faith and I was swept back into the wonder of God. It was one of those moments that took my breath away. I wanted to scream out that I believe that Jesus is King and What a King He is. He is Glorious, Unconditionally Loving, and the only reward worth living for.

And Yet…I too often put God in a box which is absolutely outrageous. Is there such a box that could contain our God? I think not. I limit what He is absolutely capable of doing because there’s a part of me that sometimes still wonders if putting complete trust in Him may backfire. I have been deeply wounded by people I have put my full trust in and while I KNOW God is unlike any human, it has always been hard for me to say, “Here I am, God. All of me. 100%. I trust you with all I have and with all that I am.” It seems ridiculous to even think that, but it has been one of my constant struggles.
I realize now that I am ready to break free from that pattern and let go of the reigns, but I am quite sure what the first step is. I don’t want to just say the words. I want to follow through and absolutely mean it. So that is where I am. I am completely in awe of my God and putting my foot forward…ready for this Great Adventure!

My Soul Sings

My Soul Sings

(Bethel Live featuring Brian Johnson)

October 7, 2010

Open my eyes to see

The wonderful mystery of love

Falling into you

I'm drawn to the gravity of love

We're standing still in a moment of eternity

Where worlds collide and I feel the breath of heaven over me

My soul sings [x3]

How I love you [oh I love you]

Open the page and see

The wonderful history of love

I start and end with you

I'm pulled by the gravity of love

It is incredible to me how music can completely pull me back into the presence of God. I never purposely stray from His presence, but it is easy to stray sometimes. Life pretends to give us no time for God sometimes, but the truth is, there is always time for God.

I just need to stop busying and distracting myself, because honestly, who really WANTS to be out of the presence of God? I don’t. I walk away from times with God feeling refreshed and renewed and I start to feel sparks of the passion I feel I have slowly lost over the years. And yet so much time seems to pass in between “meetings” with God. So my current desire is to wake up and listen to one of the thousands of songs we sing to God and spend time writing about it and being with God.

“[A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.] O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”- Psalm 63:1

I went to Bible Gateway to look up a Bible verse and this happened to be the verse of the day. I think it fits really well with what I got out of the song. My soul sings out when I seek him. His love draws us in when we are searching for him. He waits with arms for us to come him and say, “My Soul Sings, Oh, How I love you God. Most of the time we wait for times when we are completely drained and empty. Then we come to God and ask him to fill us. I am beginning to truly understand that if I spend time with Him and talk to Him every day, it is impossible to ever be truly empty.

My prayer today is that I would set aside my life for times with God each day. I can’t promise that I will be able to be in a perfect routine right away, but I can Promise that I will be working towards that. I long to be in his presence and I am the only thing stopping me.

Ready for me

So in the past year I have spent a lot of time going to therapy. It has been a long journey and will continue on this year, but I thought I would take a second and kind of give you a glimpse into some of the main core beliefs I have been trying to change:

1. Failure

2. Rejection

3. Bad Body Image

4. Low Self Esteem

The interesting thing is all of these are interconnected within my heart and soul and it is an extremely difficult way to live life. In fact I feel as though I haven't truly lived in a long time. I am going to be 25 this year and I feel as though I have let things stand in the way of who I truly am and want to be.

I spend the majority of my time trying to please others. I don't ever like conflict and so I will do whatever I can to make sure people around me are happy and at peace with me. I am usually the one to apologize first when I have an argument with someone because I fear that if I don't, I will lose them as a friend. I will be REJECTED.

I constantly compare myself to other people. I feel like a FAILURE a lot of the time because I don't live up to their standards or way of life. I'm not pretty enough (well at all if you were to go into my head), I'm not smart enough, not talented enough...these things constantly run through my head. I let myself believe that I am not good enough to even have a boyfriend or to get married someday. I watch people around me settling down, getting married, having kids, having careers and I feel like I am drowning. I feel like it will never happy for me.

Basically what I am here to say is that I have needed to deal with a lot of issues and I have buried them so deep that I think I have forgotten about them, but the truth is they linger and can truly take hold of my heart. Therapy has been an incredible journey of self and I think that I have come a long way from last year, but there is still a lot of growing to do. I am proud of what I have achieved so far, but I can't give up. I can't get frustrated and stop living. I am ready to live. I am ready to deal with the feelings I struggle with regarding my adoption, my body, my family, my self. I am ready to be free. I am ready to change. I am ready for me.

Today is another day where I seem to be only capable of focusing on my short comings. I am terrible with money and I hate that about myself. I am still struggling with weight and I just wish it could just vanish. I just need to get a grip on reality and learn to eat right, and live on a budget. Now to find a job.