1. Failure
2. Rejection
3. Bad Body Image
4. Low Self Esteem
The interesting thing is all of these are interconnected within my heart and soul and it is an extremely difficult way to live life. In fact I feel as though I haven't truly lived in a long time. I am going to be 25 this year and I feel as though I have let things stand in the way of who I truly am and want to be.
I spend the majority of my time trying to please others. I don't ever like conflict and so I will do whatever I can to make sure people around me are happy and at peace with me. I am usually the one to apologize first when I have an argument with someone because I fear that if I don't, I will lose them as a friend. I will be REJECTED.
I constantly compare myself to other people. I feel like a FAILURE a lot of the time because I don't live up to their standards or way of life. I'm not pretty enough (well at all if you were to go into my head), I'm not smart enough, not talented enough...these things constantly run through my head. I let myself believe that I am not good enough to even have a boyfriend or to get married someday. I watch people around me settling down, getting married, having kids, having careers and I feel like I am drowning. I feel like it will never happy for me.
Basically what I am here to say is that I have needed to deal with a lot of issues and I have buried them so deep that I think I have forgotten about them, but the truth is they linger and can truly take hold of my heart. Therapy has been an incredible journey of self and I think that I have come a long way from last year, but there is still a lot of growing to do. I am proud of what I have achieved so far, but I can't give up. I can't get frustrated and stop living. I am ready to live. I am ready to deal with the feelings I struggle with regarding my adoption, my body, my family, my self. I am ready to be free. I am ready to change. I am ready for me.
