Crash

I sat and watched the oceans crash into and over a formation of rocks.

As the waves came full force and continually beat against the rocks I almost burst into tears.

Because most days I feel like the rock.

Rocks are strong, but not unbreakable.

Slowly but surely the rock wears down.

I am worn down.

I need help.

But I don't know why.

Or how to ask.

So I pretend to be strong.

I pretend to not notice the waves...crash after crash after crash.

But slowly, surely....I am being worn down.

How am I?

Most of the time I get into bed and don't even think about the fact that I'm alone. Tonight is not one of those nights. I am very aware that I am alone. Perhaps it is that my dogs are at the kennel and I literally have the bed all to myself, but more likely it's that my heart gets to a point of sadness and emptiness every couple of months.

I am 28 years old and have only dated one guy and only just defriended him on Facebook after being broken up for 7 years. I was holding on to the idea of him for so long that I realized I wasn't allowing my heart to be completely free. So after many tears I clicked him away from my sight. For the most part I try not to think about him, but tonight I wonder why I didn't fly right to Ethiopia when he told me that he was waiting to marry me because God told him I was the one for him. He wants to give me everything I want, but in my heart I know he isn't the man God wants for me. And I know I don't want to settle.

I just made the decision to not attend a wedding of an acquaintance of mine and in a way I feel guilty for my reasoning. Not only did I have a big crush on the groom for a while, but I just didn't feel like my heart was up for it. Weddings are amazing and incredibly hard all at the same time. One the one hand a couple found love and I get to celebrate with them, but on the other hand it's not me. And the older I get the more I feel like it's never going to be me. People reassure me all of the time that I shouldn't worry about it. He is out there. I politely nod, but in my head I think of all the reasons I believe I am not good enough (I'm fat, I feel like a failure, etc...)

I know some of you are thinking that I'm being silly. And perhaps I am. But this blog (random and sporadic as it is) is a way for me to be open and honest about how I'm feeling. It's not here to be fake. This is how I am feeling.

When people ask me how I'm doing I never feel like I can say, "Well I'm 28, I'm fat, and that's all I'll ever be." I know that's not true, but that's where my mind sits most of the time. I try to be as confident as possible and not allow my weight to affect life decisions, but this is just one of those down times of life.

And people are noticing. My amazing boss and close friend has asked me if I'm doing ok. I seem off. Well, I am off. I just can't figure out my purpose right now. There are many things that are happening in my life right now that bring me so much joy. I am living with the most amazing family who continue to pour into my life. I have an amazing job that I love and two of the best people I know are my bosses/friends. I have incredible relationships with my youth group kids and I try to pour myself into that. I feel like I am trying to serve wherever I can so that I feel useful, but right now I feel useless. I feel depressed even though I do still feel joy in my spirit.

So how am I? Let's just say I'm confused, frustrated, and am really wanting things that seem improbable/impossible to me now.