Life's a Happy Song!

I am always surprised when I learn something deep from a movie intended for kids. I am a big fan of The Muppets and have recently watched the movie and have been listening to the soundtrack. One of the songs is called “Life’s a Happy Song”. While I don’t fully agree with life being completely perfect, a few of the lines jumped out at me:

“I’ve Got Everything that I need, right in front of me.

Nothing’s stopping me, nothing that I can’t be with you right here next to me.”

One of the things that I have been worrying about recently is my future. I graduate in less than a month and the number one question I am being asked is, “What are you going to do when you graduate?” and to be quite honest….I have no idea. I feel myself becoming less content with where I am at and what I am supposed to be doing the more people ask me that question. Instead of focusing on the fact that I’m about to accomplish something I thought would never come, I am freaking out that I don’t know what my next step is going to be. I am immersed in confusion and tumultuous feelings.

As I listened to that song and after spending a wonderful evening with one of my favorite families in the world, I began to realize something: I have everything that I need (food, water, friends, family, support, love, people who care about me) and knowing that made the stress of the rest of my life release its grip on me.

God makes a promise in Jeremiah 29:11 that He has a plan for me. He is going to prosper me, not harm me. He wants to give me a hope and a future. What an incredible promise. While my future is still unclear, I know that He will provide. And I want nothing more than to fully rely on Him.

I just need to continually remind myself that when I try to take control of things, it rarely works out. My God is greater and stronger and more reliable than I am. He guides me every step and I want to follow Him wherever he tells me to go. My heart is open and ready for wherever he takes me. And I’m not going to stress out about it.
So if you ask me what I’m going to do after I graduate, I’m going to tell you to ask God. J.

High respect

Hi. My name is Claire and I am terrible at keeping things clean. I go through spurts where everything has a place and nothing is out of order, but this semester things have been out of control.

I don’t make cleaning a priority and that’s not fair to my amazing roommate, Tammy. Tammy has always been patient with me, but I was thinking about her today and realized that I want to be the kind of person who honors her friends. When I looked up the word honor this particular definition jumped out at me - high respect. Then I looked up respect to see what I would find and I came across the definition – to show regard or consideration to….

I realized that when Tammy wakes up and sees that the house is a disaster, she certainly doesn’t feel like I am considering her and the way she might like to see. I realized that I have been selfish and underserving of her understanding of my odd lifestyle (traveling, school, etc.)

So Tammy I want to honor you. I want you to know that I do care and consider your feelings. So from now on, I am going to do my absolute best to make you feel at peace in your home. I can’t promise perfection, but I can promise that I will do my very best to keep things orderly. Jesus told us to treat others as we would want to be treated. I certainly want my friends to show regard/consideration to me.

Love you, Tammy:

Claire

May your Will Be done

Today I am thinking about what was going on when Jesus rode the donkey into Jerusalem. The crowds had an agenda for Jesus. They expected him to be the leader of a revolution and I can only imagine when Jesus did not step into the role they thought He would take there was disappointment, anger, frustration, and so on. My thought when hearing about this each year is to think, but he gave his life for you. He made the ultimate sacrifice. He leads, but not in the way you had hoped he would. Then I think…well I guess this isn’t too far off from the way I’ve treated Him in the past.

Having a relationship with God is not about having our own personal vending machine. We are not supposed to make plans for God and yet, more often than not, I find myself trying to do that. The prayer could be, “God, I want your will to be done in this situation” whether it’s a sick friend or anxiety about at test. And even though I’ve asked God for His will, what I am not saying out loud is “and your will better be in line with how I want this situation to end.” And then when I fail the test or the sickness hasn’t passed, I wonder, “Where were you?” Why didn’t you step in? I asked for your will to be done.”

The truth of this situation is that we cannot even begin to imagine how much better God’s plan is going to be. We think we know what is best for us, but the truth is we are naïve. While it may not always seem like it, God knows what is best for us. He has an amazing plan and while it may take longer than we hoped, it is going to be amazing.
So here’s to trusting in the plan I know God has for me. It’s about time I stopped trying to be in control. It is not an easy path sometimes, but I know it is going to be so worth it in the end.

Fear

The fear isn’t that I can’t complete my weight loss journey. The fear lies in completing that journey only to find myself struggling to stay at the weight I want to be at. The fear lies in someone falling in love with a skinnier version of me…and then leaving if I ever gain back the weight.

I have been thinking a lot about my body recently. I don’t hate working out. I don’t hate the idea of eating healthier. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be hard, but I know I have the power within me through my support system and my God to lose the weight I need to lose. But something holds me back. Some people have told me that I don’t want it enough. I don’t think that’s true. I absolutely want it.

The hardest part for me is what my health does to my family and let’s face it my friends. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that my sisters, brothers, parents, friends worry about what I’m doing to myself. They worry that I could die of a heart attack or eat myself into oblivion. I hate that I make them worry. I want so much to feel good when we take family photos. I want people to look at me and see that I look like the rest of my family (as far as my body goes). But something is holding me back.

Something…

I’m not sure what…

Maybe it’s the fact that I have to do this alone….

Not alone in the sense of supporters, but alone in the sense that very few people I know have to lose weight. I am on a journey that only certain people can understand. I get pumped up motivated and go strong for a while, but then it stops. What is it.

So I’m asking for prayer. I’m praying for self-control and discipline. I’m praying for a feeling of being alive and not struggling under the physical weight I bear. I’m praying to be able to ease the fears those closest to me hold dear. I’m 26 years old and had one boyfriend. I’ve wanted to get married since I was very young, but because of how I look…I’m overlooked. I am stared at for all of the wrong reasons. So I’m praying that I will figure out what it is that keeps me where I’m at. I’m done with excuses. Something needs to change. And I’m hoping it will very soon.

I've got the joy joy joy joy down in my heart....

Today I realized that I am happier than I have ever been since coming home from Africa in 2007. It’s as if I’ve been waiting for a confirmation about my future…well, maybe I’ve always had the confirmation, but my faith has wavered a few times in the past couple of years and that has led to doubt and dare I say it, unbelief. Not unbelief in God. I have always believed in the love of Christ. I’ve just stumbled in my walk with Him. I’ve allowed my own issues to cloud what He had been doing in my life.

I continually wished for God to get me back to Africa. I prayed that he would hear the wrenching cry of my heart and bless me with another opportunity. I thought about Africa every day. It made me so incredibly frustrated when I felt like I was getting no answer. Little did I know that God was answering my prayer…but not in the ways I understood.

I went into therapy to deal with issues of abandonment, anger, fear of failure, overeating, rejection, guilt, and shame. I had struggled with most of these for many years, but only decided to really give therapy a try when my baby sister suggested I talk with her therapist. I reluctantly went in and told Rachel that I didn’t really want to be there. I was only there as a favor to my sister. Rachel said she understood and then we began to talk. Or should I say I began to talk. Rachel encouraged me and interjected when needed, but mostly allowed me to get some things out. 50 minutes felt like 5 and the session was over. After that I began to realize just how important it was to really focus on my emotional issues. I needed to be able to vent and discuss things with someone who wasn’t directly involved in my situations. Rachel and I have had a therapeutic relationship for about three years now and it is amazing for me to see the changes within.

While I still have issues with my health and still have a lot to talk through, I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m beginning to see that I’m not alone in this and that God has been holding my hand every step of the way. I am much more emotionally stable than I have ever been. I am able to recognize triggers and deal with them in a healthy way. I feel that I am now emotionally ready to deal with the physical stuff. And this is where Africa re-entered my life.

I got the distinct feeling that I needed to start looking for a mission’s trip in September of this year. A friend of mine had worked for and raved about Visiting Orphans. I went to their website to check it out and before I knew it I was emailing them for information. I was signed up for the trip a few short days later. It was an exhilarating, but weird feeling. Was this really happening?

The day I was scheduled to leave to meet up with team in DC, I had a slight panic attack. I all of a sudden realized I was going to be meeting up with 23 other people who had never really seen me before. My body image issues sky rocketed and I basically cried the entire way to the airport. What if the way I look shifted the way they thought of me? I always hate being the big girl. It is an awkward thing when flying. I’m worried I’m taking up too much space. I’m worried I’m going to get weird looks. It is just a hard thing for me sometimes. My parents prayed for me and hugged me before I decided to walk into the Tampa airport. They both told me it was ok to walk away from the trip if I felt like that’s what God wanted me to do. I wanted to see it through, but had to hold back tears the entire flight to Cincinnati. My next flight was from Cincinnati to DC and my anxiety hadn’t reduced. I sat down in my seat and did what I normally do: Made myself as small as possible by basically hugging my own body. I probably looked ridiculous. The woman sitting next to me looked over and said, “Hey, would you mind if we put this arm rest up? Would that be more comfortable for you?” I could have cried right there. That was such a sweet gesture. I gladly accepted and thanked her. She couldn’t have been more gracious. Then a guy sat down across the aisle from me. He looked at my shirt and asked if I was Claire (I was wearing the shirt Visiting Orphans had given us). I told him that I was Claire and he and I began to talk. Slowly but surely whatever had triggered my anxiety started to release it’s grip on me. I began to settle down. Gene was an incredibly nice father of two and made me feel so incredibly comfortable. This is how it was with every single person on the team. They were sweet and loving and pretty much some of the most amazing people I have ever met. The trip was a total success. I really feel like I will stay in touch with my amazing new friends. They are worth getting to know. They are worth every minute I get to spend with them. Each and every one has incredible stories and only God could know how much they all truly blessed me.

God knew this trip was right. He knew that I would see Him move in every step that I took. He knew that as I returned home I would spend time in prayer. In that half an hour, God told me to “Be Still and Know that I have Plans for you here. Just wait for me. Wait for my timing.” I have never felt such a peace in my entire life. I know that God will bring me back to Africa, but in the meantime, I want to follow His plan for me with no hesitation. As Francis Chan demonstrated, I want to stop clinging to my balance beam. I want to stand up and walk with confidence knowing that God is going to be there when I stumble. Where He Goes, I’ll Go. If that means doing what I can to support others on their journeys to Africa, then so be it. God is going to use me and it may not always be in the way I expect. And I am ready for whatever He throws at me.

Check out Francis Chan’s Balance Beam Video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LA_uwWPE6lQ

The West Wing is Forbidden

Last night my amazing roommate went with me to see Beauty and the Beast on the Ultrascreen in 3D. It was amazing just as I thought it would be. I bring this up because it made me think about two very specific things that I would like to share with you today.

First: while I adore Disney movies and have held on to the magic of them even as a 26 year old, I still see the movies differently then I did as a kid. At some point between childhood and adulthood a teeny-tiny thing called Skepticism creeps into our brains. As kids it is absolutely normal for someone to talk to a horse and simply know that it will answer. As adults, we know that is just silly. We question it and start to ask more questions from there. How on earth could an entire village wake up and sing in perfect harmony about a strange new girl that lives up on the hill? They all know the melody, the words…and while in my perfect world things like that would happen every day, this is not a “real” experience. It simply doesn’t happen (apart from flash mobs).

“What moments! What Holy Moments! To be in the presence of God, frightened and amazed at the same tiem! To feel as if you are in the presence of life itself, yet with your soul shaking in both terror and gratitude.”

So at what point do we start to look at God skeptically? At what point do we start to question the things that were so real to us as kids? Mike Yaconelli wrote a book called Dangerous Wonder a few years back. I have read it several times and would highly recommend it to anyone. The book deals with us losing the wonder of God at some point and talks about how we can get back to that moment. God is an amazing and complex being. He is to be loved and feared. We will never even begin to comprehend everything there is to know about God. I personally believe that if we knew everything, we wouldn’t need to have faith. There would just be facts and statistics about a God who created the entire Universe using only words. I would rather not have all the answers and stay in the world that means I have to let go of what I know and allow God to lead me.

“There is hope for me yet, because God won’t forget, all the plans he made for me. I have to wait and see. He’s not finished with me yet.”

The second thing I observed while watching the movie was that God doesn’t back away when we’ve disobeyed. We, of course, deal with the consequences of our actions, but God will never simply be done with us. This came to me as I watched Belle wander into the West Wing of the castle even though that was the one place she was specifically told not to go.

Something about humans makes us want to do the exact opposite when we are told we can’t do something. Maybe we are trying to prove ourselves or just want to rebel, but the instant the word NO comes into the picture, we want to say Yes. We could be told that we can eat anything in the world except for Brussel Sprouts. Anything else is ok, but Brussel Sprouts are forbidden. We may not even like Brussel Sprouts, but our first instinct is to go to the grocery store and buy as many Brussel Sprouts that we can find. What I love about God is that He doesn’t abandon us in our moments of weakness. He is still there when we stray. He is waiting for us when we wander from Him. He never closes his door. We have to deal with the consequences of disobeying him, but ultimately He welcomes us back to Him with arms wide open. That, to me, is true Love.

You Put The Light In Me

“My life before you, I was a flame burning down. I was burning out.

But you knew me better. For you there was never a doubt. Not since you gave me life. Something was different. I knew it the instant you put the light in me.

The spark the shot to the heart.

You are the hope that leads me out of the dark

You let your love shine down, so that the world could see you put the light in me.

The light, you put the light in me

The light, you put the light in me.”

I have spent a lot of years wondering what I am going to do with my life. I have so many ideas of what I could be doing in ten years. Maybe I’ll be a famous photographer. Maybe I’ll be married and have the 5 or 6 kids I’ve been dreaming of. Maybe I’ll be back in Africa. These are all definite possibilities. Why, you may ask? Because these are the desires of my heart and I have only recently understood that God not only knows the desires of my heart, He is the one who gave those desires to me.

I used to wonder why every single day of my life I thought of Africa. This has been happening ever since I moved back to the States in 2007. A huge part of my heart never returned with me. It will always be in Africa waiting for me to come find it again. This was such a hard concept for me to grasp because even though Africa filled my every thought, I knew God wasn’t telling me to go back. It wasn’t the right time. That frustrated me. Why would I think about it so often if I wasn’t supposed to be over there? Why did the thought of adopting kids keep popping up? Didn’t that mean I should do it right then?

I have had to spend a lot of time in therapy and in talks with God to really be able to even begin to grasp the concept of God’s timing. Most of the time I am frustrated by it. IF God loved me things would happen now. IF He knew what was best, why did I feel lost most of the time? I consistently put God in a box telling Him what he could or could not do. At the time it seemed rational, and now it seems silly.

I can now look back and see God was doing a work in me. He was giving me time to understand myself. He was waiting for me to understand that He truly has my life in His hands. As I sat in Kenya waiting to be picked up for my flight back home to the States, I prayed that my heart would be at peace. I had been worried that I wouldn’t want to come home; worried that I would abandon my responsibilities here. But God knew better. He knew I was ready for him to say, “Be Still and Know that I have plans for you here. But You must wait for Me. Wait for my timing.” And I was. The minute those words infiltrated my soul I felt completely content. I was ready to fully trust God and know that He had my life in his hands.