Truth

Dying on the inside for too long.

Yearning for the drive, the discipline, the hope to be strong

What’s it going to take to allow myself to truly live?

Will I have to hit rock bottom with nothing left to give?

I can do this, I know it, but it has to be for me

Not to make someone love me because of what they see. 

Not to please anyone around me, cause that pressure tends to build

But to love myself each step of the way and let self-hatred be killed.

I am worth it, I tell myself, and hopefully one day

I won’t have to convince myself it’s truth in those words I say.  

All the Difference

Tonight I realized that even though my health journey has halted a bit and I've gained a few pounds back and I'm not where I want to be mentally, I still have more days than not when I actually feel beautiful. There's a fairly permanent confidence in who I am that startled me.

I still feel confused about the future and frustrated about certain aspects about life, but I am less and less confused by who I am and that makes all the difference.

4 Years Later

4 years later

So much has changed. 

1 year living in Indiana with dear friends.

Months of heartache when they decided to move. 

2 years living in Kentucky.

       Restoration

       Family

       Stability

Almost 1 year residing in California. 

        Community

        Health

        Frustration

It's about time I start writing again. 

Crash

I sat and watched the oceans crash into and over a formation of rocks.

As the waves came full force and continually beat against the rocks I almost burst into tears.

Because most days I feel like the rock.

Rocks are strong, but not unbreakable.

Slowly but surely the rock wears down.

I am worn down.

I need help.

But I don't know why.

Or how to ask.

So I pretend to be strong.

I pretend to not notice the waves...crash after crash after crash.

But slowly, surely....I am being worn down.

How am I?

Most of the time I get into bed and don't even think about the fact that I'm alone. Tonight is not one of those nights. I am very aware that I am alone. Perhaps it is that my dogs are at the kennel and I literally have the bed all to myself, but more likely it's that my heart gets to a point of sadness and emptiness every couple of months.

I am 28 years old and have only dated one guy and only just defriended him on Facebook after being broken up for 7 years. I was holding on to the idea of him for so long that I realized I wasn't allowing my heart to be completely free. So after many tears I clicked him away from my sight. For the most part I try not to think about him, but tonight I wonder why I didn't fly right to Ethiopia when he told me that he was waiting to marry me because God told him I was the one for him. He wants to give me everything I want, but in my heart I know he isn't the man God wants for me. And I know I don't want to settle.

I just made the decision to not attend a wedding of an acquaintance of mine and in a way I feel guilty for my reasoning. Not only did I have a big crush on the groom for a while, but I just didn't feel like my heart was up for it. Weddings are amazing and incredibly hard all at the same time. One the one hand a couple found love and I get to celebrate with them, but on the other hand it's not me. And the older I get the more I feel like it's never going to be me. People reassure me all of the time that I shouldn't worry about it. He is out there. I politely nod, but in my head I think of all the reasons I believe I am not good enough (I'm fat, I feel like a failure, etc...)

I know some of you are thinking that I'm being silly. And perhaps I am. But this blog (random and sporadic as it is) is a way for me to be open and honest about how I'm feeling. It's not here to be fake. This is how I am feeling.

When people ask me how I'm doing I never feel like I can say, "Well I'm 28, I'm fat, and that's all I'll ever be." I know that's not true, but that's where my mind sits most of the time. I try to be as confident as possible and not allow my weight to affect life decisions, but this is just one of those down times of life.

And people are noticing. My amazing boss and close friend has asked me if I'm doing ok. I seem off. Well, I am off. I just can't figure out my purpose right now. There are many things that are happening in my life right now that bring me so much joy. I am living with the most amazing family who continue to pour into my life. I have an amazing job that I love and two of the best people I know are my bosses/friends. I have incredible relationships with my youth group kids and I try to pour myself into that. I feel like I am trying to serve wherever I can so that I feel useful, but right now I feel useless. I feel depressed even though I do still feel joy in my spirit.

So how am I? Let's just say I'm confused, frustrated, and am really wanting things that seem improbable/impossible to me now.

Words of Advice to My Future Children:

To My Future Children:

If your world looks anything like it does in 2013 there are a lot of things I’d like to tell you.

         There is going to be a day when you are going to want to be seen as an adult. It is totally normal to feel this way, but it is not necessary to do something drastic for people to see that. You do not need to act out, show off your body, become a sex symbol, or make a fool out of yourself to be considered grown up. In fact those things will most likely make you look younger and more childish. Do something great and change the world. Treat people with respect. Get a solid education. Make a difference. These are just a few of the many ways people will start looking at you as an adult.

Don’t base your life decisions off of what the world says and here’s why: According to the world today, I am not beautiful. I don’t have a chance with most guys out there because I am not the perfect body type. I struggle with my weight and the world says that’s not ok. Most clothing designers won’t make clothes for my size because apparently at a certain size they believe we don’t care how we look anyways. So if I were to start only believing what the world tells me to believe, you would not be here. I believe that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I don’t have to look like a super model and there will be someone who loves me and marries me. Now I’m not saying I can’t do things to get healthier and feel better about myself, but I don’t believe I have to change in order to find the man I am supposed to marry. Be an individual. Stand out. But do it on your own terms. Live life to the best of your abilities and don’t let the world dictate who you are.

Take the time to ask the cashier at the grocery store how their day is going. Leave a good tip for the waitress at brunch. Give people compliments. I hope that one of the things I instill in you is that people matter. We will rarely know what they are going through and there are times when it is easier and faster to just get through our day without much interaction, but people need to feel valued. Take time to show people they have worth. Take the time to let people know they are doing a good job. Take the time to ask them about their lives. Do these things without expecting anything in return.

Spread love. Every day I see so much that makes my heart break for the world I live in. Do anything you can to see that love is spread to all you come in contact with. Because ultimately, Love will win and you can be a part of that. J

I’m sure there are more things I’ll tell you over the years, but these are the ones that really felt important for me to tell you today.

- Mama. (that is what I hope you are calling me J.)

And We Danced....

“And we danced and we cried and we laughed and had a really really really good time.”

There’s something about dancing that makes life feel better. It’s an action that allows you to let loose and express yourself in a way you normally wouldn’t in an every day situation. I got to do some dancing with my family this weekend and while I will never admit to being a great dancer, I will say that while jumping around and laughing I forget the things that I would normally spend a whole lot of time worrying about. I forget that I am a large person and am normally self-conscious about people staring at me. I forget that I haven’t figured out exactly what I want to do with my life. It’s in the moments of singing at the top of my lungs while moving in ways that would look completely ridiculous in any other setting that I tend to allow myself to be completely me…completely free.

I spent this past weekend with my family. At our very first family dinner I looked at the rest of my family and instantly felt inadequate. The feelings of not fitting in started to settle in. My sisters are incredibly beautiful and my brothers are amazingly handsome. Both of my parents look great too. I have always felt simply like the fat one…the ugly one. I hate feeling that way because I love being with my family, but it takes a lot for me to move beyond those feelings and simply be with my family.

The next night was the senior dance for all of the graduates at Colorado College. Lily had decided she wanted all of us to dress up in Great Gatsby attire. As we all got ready for the evening, the feelings began to rise up again. It only got worse upon attending the dance and feeling like the only overweight person in the room. And then we stepped onto the dance floor. Macklemore was blasting throughout the room and in those moments all I knew was I was having a fabulous time with my siblings. It was in that second I realized that my family doesn’t care what I look like. They love me unconditionally and have always believed I fit perfectly in with them.

So I danced with them and allowed myself to forget about the lies that try to infiltrate my soul more often than not. I laughed and enjoyed the rest of the weekend with my amazing family. Oh how I love them.