Forgive and Forgive Again…and again….and again.

There’s a particularly painful memory I have from my teenage years that lives in my head rent free and the fact that thinking about it still brings up a lot of anger, sadness, and frustration made me really curious about the concept behind the phrase Forgive and Forget. It’s a phrase that gets tossed around and I’ve never felt that it was actually possible.   

I strongly believe in forgiveness. It is a Biblical principle and yet I believe it has been misunderstood by many. The idea that forgiving someone goes hand in hand with forgetting what that person did seems unrealistic. Barring brain injuries or diseases like Alzheimer’s or Dementia, our memories aren’t easily erased. They may fade over time, but forgotten completely? Not likely. 

No matter how much I wish I could forget that memory, it made its mark. Here’s the thing: I chose to forgive the person involved a long time ago. I was able to share the hurt I felt from the situation and then forgave them. So why is there still pain associated with it? When it pops up my first reaction is maybe I wasn’t as forgiving as I thought. And then I remembered the start of a parable in Matthew 18:21-22: 

 

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’

 

Jesus Answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven times.”

 

 

As a kid, I did the math: 490 times. Seemed like a big number, but multiplying seventy times seven was the solution to Peter’s question. Or so my younger self thought. It wasn’t until quite recently that a different realization came to me. Maybe Jesus wasn’t being literal when He responded to Peter. Maybe the point He was trying to make was that it is our job to continue to choose forgiveness. When the pain pops up, choose to forgive again. Or better yet, choose to remember when you first forgave and then choose to keep forgiving them. For what the Lord has done for us, so shall we do to others. 

Truth

Dying on the inside for too long.

Yearning for the drive, the discipline, the hope to be strong

What’s it going to take to allow myself to truly live?

Will I have to hit rock bottom with nothing left to give?

I can do this, I know it, but it has to be for me

Not to make someone love me because of what they see. 

Not to please anyone around me, cause that pressure tends to build

But to love myself each step of the way and let self-hatred be killed.

I am worth it, I tell myself, and hopefully one day

I won’t have to convince myself it’s truth in those words I say.  

All the Difference

Tonight I realized that even though my health journey has halted a bit and I've gained a few pounds back and I'm not where I want to be mentally, I still have more days than not when I actually feel beautiful. There's a fairly permanent confidence in who I am that startled me.

I still feel confused about the future and frustrated about certain aspects about life, but I am less and less confused by who I am and that makes all the difference.

4 Years Later

4 years later

So much has changed. 

1 year living in Indiana with dear friends.

Months of heartache when they decided to move. 

2 years living in Kentucky.

       Restoration

       Family

       Stability

Almost 1 year residing in California. 

        Community

        Health

        Frustration

It's about time I start writing again. 

Crash

I sat and watched the oceans crash into and over a formation of rocks.

As the waves came full force and continually beat against the rocks I almost burst into tears.

Because most days I feel like the rock.

Rocks are strong, but not unbreakable.

Slowly but surely the rock wears down.

I am worn down.

I need help.

But I don't know why.

Or how to ask.

So I pretend to be strong.

I pretend to not notice the waves...crash after crash after crash.

But slowly, surely....I am being worn down.

How am I?

Most of the time I get into bed and don't even think about the fact that I'm alone. Tonight is not one of those nights. I am very aware that I am alone. Perhaps it is that my dogs are at the kennel and I literally have the bed all to myself, but more likely it's that my heart gets to a point of sadness and emptiness every couple of months.

I am 28 years old and have only dated one guy and only just defriended him on Facebook after being broken up for 7 years. I was holding on to the idea of him for so long that I realized I wasn't allowing my heart to be completely free. So after many tears I clicked him away from my sight. For the most part I try not to think about him, but tonight I wonder why I didn't fly right to Ethiopia when he told me that he was waiting to marry me because God told him I was the one for him. He wants to give me everything I want, but in my heart I know he isn't the man God wants for me. And I know I don't want to settle.

I just made the decision to not attend a wedding of an acquaintance of mine and in a way I feel guilty for my reasoning. Not only did I have a big crush on the groom for a while, but I just didn't feel like my heart was up for it. Weddings are amazing and incredibly hard all at the same time. One the one hand a couple found love and I get to celebrate with them, but on the other hand it's not me. And the older I get the more I feel like it's never going to be me. People reassure me all of the time that I shouldn't worry about it. He is out there. I politely nod, but in my head I think of all the reasons I believe I am not good enough (I'm fat, I feel like a failure, etc...)

I know some of you are thinking that I'm being silly. And perhaps I am. But this blog (random and sporadic as it is) is a way for me to be open and honest about how I'm feeling. It's not here to be fake. This is how I am feeling.

When people ask me how I'm doing I never feel like I can say, "Well I'm 28, I'm fat, and that's all I'll ever be." I know that's not true, but that's where my mind sits most of the time. I try to be as confident as possible and not allow my weight to affect life decisions, but this is just one of those down times of life.

And people are noticing. My amazing boss and close friend has asked me if I'm doing ok. I seem off. Well, I am off. I just can't figure out my purpose right now. There are many things that are happening in my life right now that bring me so much joy. I am living with the most amazing family who continue to pour into my life. I have an amazing job that I love and two of the best people I know are my bosses/friends. I have incredible relationships with my youth group kids and I try to pour myself into that. I feel like I am trying to serve wherever I can so that I feel useful, but right now I feel useless. I feel depressed even though I do still feel joy in my spirit.

So how am I? Let's just say I'm confused, frustrated, and am really wanting things that seem improbable/impossible to me now.

Words of Advice to My Future Children:

To My Future Children:

If your world looks anything like it does in 2013 there are a lot of things I’d like to tell you.

         There is going to be a day when you are going to want to be seen as an adult. It is totally normal to feel this way, but it is not necessary to do something drastic for people to see that. You do not need to act out, show off your body, become a sex symbol, or make a fool out of yourself to be considered grown up. In fact those things will most likely make you look younger and more childish. Do something great and change the world. Treat people with respect. Get a solid education. Make a difference. These are just a few of the many ways people will start looking at you as an adult.

Don’t base your life decisions off of what the world says and here’s why: According to the world today, I am not beautiful. I don’t have a chance with most guys out there because I am not the perfect body type. I struggle with my weight and the world says that’s not ok. Most clothing designers won’t make clothes for my size because apparently at a certain size they believe we don’t care how we look anyways. So if I were to start only believing what the world tells me to believe, you would not be here. I believe that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. I don’t have to look like a super model and there will be someone who loves me and marries me. Now I’m not saying I can’t do things to get healthier and feel better about myself, but I don’t believe I have to change in order to find the man I am supposed to marry. Be an individual. Stand out. But do it on your own terms. Live life to the best of your abilities and don’t let the world dictate who you are.

Take the time to ask the cashier at the grocery store how their day is going. Leave a good tip for the waitress at brunch. Give people compliments. I hope that one of the things I instill in you is that people matter. We will rarely know what they are going through and there are times when it is easier and faster to just get through our day without much interaction, but people need to feel valued. Take time to show people they have worth. Take the time to let people know they are doing a good job. Take the time to ask them about their lives. Do these things without expecting anything in return.

Spread love. Every day I see so much that makes my heart break for the world I live in. Do anything you can to see that love is spread to all you come in contact with. Because ultimately, Love will win and you can be a part of that. J

I’m sure there are more things I’ll tell you over the years, but these are the ones that really felt important for me to tell you today.

- Mama. (that is what I hope you are calling me J.)

And We Danced....

“And we danced and we cried and we laughed and had a really really really good time.”

There’s something about dancing that makes life feel better. It’s an action that allows you to let loose and express yourself in a way you normally wouldn’t in an every day situation. I got to do some dancing with my family this weekend and while I will never admit to being a great dancer, I will say that while jumping around and laughing I forget the things that I would normally spend a whole lot of time worrying about. I forget that I am a large person and am normally self-conscious about people staring at me. I forget that I haven’t figured out exactly what I want to do with my life. It’s in the moments of singing at the top of my lungs while moving in ways that would look completely ridiculous in any other setting that I tend to allow myself to be completely me…completely free.

I spent this past weekend with my family. At our very first family dinner I looked at the rest of my family and instantly felt inadequate. The feelings of not fitting in started to settle in. My sisters are incredibly beautiful and my brothers are amazingly handsome. Both of my parents look great too. I have always felt simply like the fat one…the ugly one. I hate feeling that way because I love being with my family, but it takes a lot for me to move beyond those feelings and simply be with my family.

The next night was the senior dance for all of the graduates at Colorado College. Lily had decided she wanted all of us to dress up in Great Gatsby attire. As we all got ready for the evening, the feelings began to rise up again. It only got worse upon attending the dance and feeling like the only overweight person in the room. And then we stepped onto the dance floor. Macklemore was blasting throughout the room and in those moments all I knew was I was having a fabulous time with my siblings. It was in that second I realized that my family doesn’t care what I look like. They love me unconditionally and have always believed I fit perfectly in with them.

So I danced with them and allowed myself to forget about the lies that try to infiltrate my soul more often than not. I laughed and enjoyed the rest of the weekend with my amazing family. Oh how I love them.

The Uncooperative Duck

Does anyone ever really have all of his or her ducks in a row? I’m curious as to who came up with that phrase, because honestly I’m convinced there is always one stubborn duck who simply cannot stay put. I can definitely say there have been moments in my life where a lot of my ducks seemed to be lining up, but never has every aspect of my life been working “correctly” all at the same time.

Take my current stage of life. I have a great job, am involved in an incredible Christian community, love the church I go to, and have been blessed with some of the best friends a girl could ask for. That’s a lot of positives and I am really grateful those things are working out for me at the moment. I wish I could train my mind to focus only on the things that ARE working out because then maybe I wouldn’t spend so much time thinking about: who I’m going to marry…will I get married? Will someone ever pursue me? Is it possible for me to get over myself and actually succeed in losing weight? Why does it seem like I sabotage myself the most when I start to see any kind of success in my health journey? These questions (and more) constantly float around in my head. These questions keep my head busy.

As I was thinking about this earlier tonight, something clicked with me. I realized that if everything in my life was “perfect”, I probably wouldn’t rely on God as much as I do. As it is I need God to get through each and everyday. I need to be able to praise Him in the positive moments and fall flat on my face before Him in the areas of my life where I struggle.

 I remember being in Africa and having so many obstacles before me: I didn’t speak the language, the local food made me feel sick, I felt left out by the staff a lot, I was lonely, I was completely out of my comfort zone, the guy I was dating was a 14 hour drive away…I felt lost…In that time it was impossible for me to not rely on God. I had a whole bunch of ADHD ducks all running in different directions and my only sense of security…my only way to get out of bed each morning was to spend as much time as I possibly could reading my Bible, praying and worshipping Him. The ten months I spent in Ethiopia were by far the closest I’ve ever felt to God and through that relationship it was one of the best experiences of my entire life.

So I’m going to be ok with my ducks being a bit scattered. I’ll be grateful for the things that are going well and remember that I love a God who knows the desires of my heart. He is going to provide for me and I just have to be patient and keep reminding myself that His timing is best.

Never Stop Dancing

He’s just five years old.

Cancer invaded his brain and spine

His world flipped upside down.

Yet He’s never stopped dancing.

Countless tests and seemingly endless pain

Numerous trips to the hospital and utter exhaustion

Too much time spent away from friends and family

Yet He keeps dancing without a care in the world.

His mother is patient

His father is strong

His sister is understanding

Their strength fuels his hope and the dancing continues.

Then one cold January Day

After months of waiting, wondering

The tests come back cancer free

And everyone dances.

Joy fills the hearts of many across the country…across the world.

Shouts of praise go up

And even though relapse could happen

Rusty’s hope will keep him dancing.

It has been a complete pleasure getting to know the Schultz family these past few months. Today is an amazing day as their 5 year old son has been declared cancer free. So many are rejoicing today and while we will keep praying for continued healing, we are dancing with joy that so many prayers for healing have been answered

Does Anybody Hear Her?

“Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see? Oh does anybody even know she’s going down today? Under the shadow of our steeple with all the lost and lonely people searching for the hope that’s tucked away in you and me. Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?”

I sometimes find myself so wrapped up in what is going on in my own life that I forget to take the time to look around me and notice what is going on in the lives of others whether I know them or not. I listened to a sermon back in September that talks about how often we are so focused on where WE are going that we don’t stop to see/help the people GOD has placed in our path. We miss opportunities to talk to them, ask them their names, or see if they simply need prayer.

Sometimes I think we believe we aren’t equipped to get involved or serve others. We leave the “evangelism” to others because we feel inadequate. I certainly have felt this way. What I have learned over the years, however, is that the simple act of saying hello or asking the cashier how her day is going can mean a lot. I get it in my head that God wants big and bold gestures and while that may be true, He also works in the small things. We don’t have to be over the top in your face Christians to show others the love of Jesus.

I experienced this when I was in Africa last January. My team and I had just left one orphanage where it was clear the kids were loved by the staff and, for the most part, had access to food and education. We were in awe of how much the kids loved Jesus despite their stories and it was so easy to sit and talk with them. 24 hours later we were ushered into a Children’s prison. The kids in the first center were in there for various reasons ranging from suspected murder to not properly greeting a relative. We learned there was a large culture of abandonment and most often it was as if these kids were “thrown away” when they were no longer of use to their parents. Any slip up led to them being thrown into one of these centers. I know for sure that I was nervous entering this situation. I had no idea what I could say or do to improve their situation. As the morning progressed, however, I realized that they just wanted someone to see them. They most likely knew that we weren’t there to fix anything, but it was enough that we came and played soccer with them. I watched girls’ faces light up as we painted their nails and laughed with them. I watched boys delight in teaching some of the team to play the drums. It was a good day because someone took the time simply to say, “We are here and we love you. We See You.”

It is my goal to take the time to see people around me. I want to show love even if it is as simple as saying, “How is your day today?” It doesn’t have to be as complicated as we try to make it. People just want to be seen.